Animals Roaming Free

Picture of an old Barnum's Animals Crackers box illustrating the creatures being restrained in cages. Notice each adult animal is coddling a baby.

In what has to be one of the least important issues of our time, the Nabisco Corporation has decided to yield to social pressure and release their assortment of cartoon-like African wild animals from their Barnum's Animals Crackers boxes. The creatures were previously incarcerated in small cardboard cages, brazenly displayed on grocery store shelves throughout the country.

Only the presence of imaginary steel bars restrained the animals from inflicting serious harm upon an unsuspecting public. Who knew the mayhem these diminutive baked crackers/cookies could potentially cause?

Apparently, PETA did. PETA, by the way, is an acronym for "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." Although, many believe it erroneously means "People Eating Tasty Animals."

PETA takes its work seriously. So serious, in fact, that even small animal-shaped snacks attracted their attention. The cruel circus depiction on the label of the cracker boxes vividly represents the inhumane treatment Barnum's has inflicted upon the beasts. As a result, the horror of seeing such brutality has clearly adversely impacted children's sense of right and wrong. Soaring crime stats are reflective of this trend.

Unfortunately, the psychological damage to generations of animal crackers eating kids may never be known, as millions of innocent youngsters devoured billions of the tiny wafers over the past hundred years.

Massive government intervention and medical attention to thwart a potential epidemic of "post-traumatic-cookie-disorder" will, undoubtedly, become a major discussion in Congress. Anyone who has eaten or been in contact with, or even seen a Barnum cookie box at anytime in their life should seriously consider consulting an attorney to see what legal recourse they may pursue against the intentional manufacture of such a sinister product. Years of therapeutic counseling could become necessary to restore decades of mental anguish caused from abuse and deception of a clever marketing gimmick.

Few people are aware of the seriousness of the situation. I know I wasn't.

Current "New Look" box of Barnum's Animals Crackers showing the zebras, elephants, lions, giraffes and gorillas have been set free from their captivity.

But PETA and other animal rights activists were. Actually, their protests began in 2016 when they informed Mondelez International, parent company of Nabisco, that PETA wanted the animals set-free and the cages removed from the cookie boxes.

In their letter to Mondelez, PETA complained that Barnum's Animals Crackers hearkened back to the days when circuses regularly traveled the country with caged wild animals.

"Circuses tear baby animals away from their mothers, lock animals in cages and chains, and cart them from city to city. They have no semblance of a natural life," PETA explained. Also, PETA noted, other animal-like cookies are on the market but only Barnum's locked their's in cages. A poor exhibition of ethical business stewardship.

Mondelez eventually acquiesced and released the creatures into a animal utopia where they can roam about and enjoy mutual admiration. The crackers are still the same, but the stigma caused by a packaging symbol of animal cruelty has been removed from view. Thankfully, it may have been just in time to rescue additional throngs of animal cracker munchers from years of torment and despair.

Except for the obvious. In the real world, lions love a tasty zebra and dine on them regularly; gorillas don't hesitate to tangle with anything they don't like; elephants are very protective of their families; and giraffes are awkward prey for jackals, hyenas, lions and other carnivores.

But only in America has a cartoon illustration on a boxed cookie treat become the motivating factor in equating fiction to reality. In PETA's mind, caged fake animals are just as important as real caged animals. Whether or not it makes sense is beyond the point.

Being free is great, but very time consuming and often dangerous. It may not be as Heavenly in the Animal Kingdom as some folks choose to believe, but at least our consciences will be at ease.

Hope some do-gooders don't suddenly decide "Tony the Tiger" is too menacing to remain on a Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal box. If they do, then I'm doomed.

My last remaining hope for survival will be a seafood diet recommended by Charley Tuna.

Mike Bibb

Safford, Arizona

P.S.Which raises the question: What is more important, the picture on the outside of the package, or the healthiness of the cookie inside?