Scientists have discovered a deep space disturbance that's almost as perplexing as the U.S. presidential campaign process.
Something called a "Fast Radio Burst" (FRB) has been detected by astronomers in Canada. Which makes sense, since our own fast radio burst, Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi (CA-D), lives in California. The mysterious radio noise is believed to have originated from a galaxy 1.5 billion light years away. Or, in earthly terms, about as long as Nancy has been in Congress.
A light year is the distance light travels in one year --- approximately 6 trillion miles.
As I understand it, fast radio bursts are radio waves coming from far outside our Milky Way galaxy. Apparently, these energy pulses were transmitted with a force equaling 500 million suns of power.
1.5 billion light years + 500 million suns are some really big, space-sized numbers. The only thing we have close to rivaling these figures is our national debt at $22 trillion. Come to think of it, our national debt number is larger.
So far, 13 fast radio bursts have been recorded by the Canadian Hydrogen Intensity Mapping Experiment (CHIME), a radio telescope concocted by a bunch of scientists from Harvard University, University of Toronto, Mass. Institute of Technology, Space Science Institute and the University of British Columbia. Their report was published in the January 9, 2019 science journal "Nature."
Unexpectedly absent from the impressive list of big-brained collaborators was Al Gore, climate change guru and creator of the Internet. Apparently, he was unable to attend the confab because of conflicting engagements. His expertise was urgently needed to assist in the examination of the recent discovery of a suspicious trail of carbon footprints found in the snow leading from a ski lodge in Vail, Colorado to a local marijuana dispensary.
He previously insisted there was insufficient data to corroborate the theory that CO2 emissions from burning marijuana joints was adversely impacting the nesting habits of the nearly extinct Rocky Mountain Spotted Loon. However, upon learning of the existence of FRBs, Gore reversed his opinion and now believes there is a connection between declining Spotted Loons, increasing marijuana consumption and carbon footprints in the snow, all influenced by the presence of previously unknown fast radio bursts.
Also, Gore hints FRBs might be partially responsible for the shifting of Earth's magnetic poles which, in turn, have negatively affected Congress' ability to think clearly on just about every important issue facing the country. Including --- but not limited to --- recent reports Jimmy Hoffa has been privately communicating, via Skype, with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
It is not known what they have been discussing, but CNN says unconfirmed sources have indicated it may have something to do with faulty plumbing in the men's room of Trump Tower. Seems when the urinals are flushed the Democratic National Committee Headquarters is suddenly flooded with soggy "Uncle Joe, You Go!" 2020 campaign brochures.
Sen. Chuck Schumer (NY-D), has proposed President Trump's unyielding insistence upon building a southwestern border wall are actually symptoms of too much exposure to free-radical FRBs.
"Scientific evidence now confirms what we've suspected all along; President Trump is getting his marching orders from distant aliens. And, they're not from the Republican controlled senate, Honduras or Russia, but from an unknown galaxy 1.5 billion light years away" Chuck told an angry gathering of a local chapter of No More MAGA Caps activists.
"Next, Trump will be demanding we build the wall 1.5 billion light years high. Any construction engineer knows it's unsafe to build a structure taller than a twelve-foot ladder" Schumer cautioned the crowd.
Special investigative council, Robert Mueller, has been tasked with the job of examining evidence if President Trump has been colluding with inter-galactic election meddlers. Accusations of at least three cases of 2016 presidential vote tampering in the diminutive city of Broken Ankle, Oklahoma is currently under review. The three cases represents nearly half of all votes cast in the little community. Mueller expects to release his findings in early 2037.
All of this sounds complicated, unless you're a super-smart space scientist. Astrophysicist, Ingrid Stairs, a contributing author of the CHIME report, has hinted the discovery of more than a single FRB is significant.
"Knowing that there is another (FRB) suggests that there could be more out there" Stairs insists. I think she's on to something; "another" would certainly indicate more than one.
"And with more repeaters and more sources available for study, we may be able to understand these cosmic puzzles --- where they're from and what causes them" she says.
Well, if Stairs is eventually successful in figuring out the origins of fast radio bursts and what causes them, then maybe she, and her team of fellow scientists, will feel confident enough to tackle an even more baffling cosmic puzzle --- Was Hillary Clinton the only survivor of the 1947 UFO crash near Roswell, New Mexico?