Nuacht Aoir
Secret Plans To Elect Joey And Kam
The campaign for "Elect Joey and Kam “ Progressives for Progress" is expected to use this photograph from the mid-1970s of then-United States Senator Joseph R. Biden, Jr. and Jill Biden. (The photograph was provided courtesy of the press kit of Senator Joseph R. Biden, Jr., circa 2006-2008, at http://biden.senate.gov/newsroom/presskit.cfm , circa mid-1970s.)
Nuacht Aoir has learned "exclusively" that the Administration of President Joseph Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris has developed a sophisticated plan for reelection.
This secret plan to be implemented today, April 1, 2024 calls for nicknames to be used when referring to the President and Vice President; for certain words to be classified as "derogatory" and for people who use those words to be called out as "bigots who discriminate"; and for "elect" and "election" to be utilized in place of "re-elect" and "reelection."
In preparing this expose, Nuacht Aoir has reviewed documents from a number of members of two associations that represent the major news media organizations in the United States. Though leaders of both associations have issued denials, Nuacht Aoir has learned "exclusively" that the major news media organizations have thrown their full support behind the reelection of President Biden and Vice President Harris.
According to documents marked "Top Secret" from the Mainstream Organization of American News (MOAN), the members of this association unanimously voted to no longer use wording of "President Biden," "President Joe Biden," "President Joseph Biden," and "President Joseph R. Biden, Jr." All future references to the President by members of MOAN will use "President J. Robinette Biden" or "President Robi." The members also voted to no longer use wording of "Vice President Kamala Harris." Instead, members will use "Vice President K. H. Emhoff." (Vice President Harris is married to Doug Emhoff.)
A document from MOAN detailed that "elderly" is a racist term typically applied to old white men. The association of the major news media organizations determined that this word should be re-classified for its racist connotations based on the use of the word in a report issued by the Special Counsel's Office of the United States Department of Justice that was issued on February 5, 2024:
"Mr. Biden would likely present himself to a jury, as he did during our interview of him, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory."
The internal minutes of the Executive Board of MOAN noted a motion – approved unanimously – that "Whereas, the U S Justice Department made a broad, over-generalized determination that old white men are 'elderly with poor memory"; "Whereas, used in this context, a reasonable person would be encouraged to judge old white men in a negative light, and"; "Whereas, such judgements are racist to the core"; "Therefore, be it resolved by the esteemed members of MOAN that 'elderly' is a racist term that should never be used to reference old white men. Instead, the more reflective "experienced" should be used when referring to old white men."
It should be noted that Nuacht Aoir found a "Top, Supra-Secret" document that indicated that "the minutes aforementioned have been adjusted to add 'who are progressive Democrats' to the end of the motion noted in the minutes." Thus, the last sentence in that motion is actually "Instead, the more reflective 'experienced' should be used when referring to old white men who are progressive Democrats.'"
This "Top, Supra-Secret" document indicated that all other old white men should still be called "elderly," though the document recommended that the word should be changed to "eldirly" or "the 'e' word" to avoid major news media organizations being labeled as "racist" when referring to non-progressive old white men.
According to documents marked "111222112111222221" from the Mainstream Organization of Internet Streaming Technology (MOIST), Nuacht Aoir has reviewed further details of how the major news media organizations intend to support the reelection of President Biden and Vice President Harris.
MOIST members voted unanimously to banish two words "migrant" and "illegal immigrant" from any news coverage of President Biden and Vice President Harris. The association indicated that those two words are to be replaced with the word "newcomer."
In addition, Nuacht Aoir found the documents from MOIST included recommendations to the Administration that quotes from President Biden be made in the third-person without using the word "Biden."
MOIST provided the following example: a theoretical quote by President Biden made prior to March 31, 2024, of "I decided to encourage illegal immigration into our country and for the undocumented individuals to go to the City of New York" would become "The President issued a hearty welcome to all newcomers and knew that the people of the City of New York would join the President in extending well-wishes to the newcomers."
The White House, Nuacht Aoir confirmed, agreed to this suggestion.
One top aide to President Biden called it "the best advice we've gotten since we made our heroic efforts to return Afghanistan to rule by the dear Afghan leaders who know how to handle unruly people who refuse to be obedient to their dear leaders."
In addition, both MOAN and MOIST agreed that no more full-frontal photos of President Biden showing his face close-up and no more videos of President Biden walking or biking would be shown in print publications, on broadcast linear networks, on streaming platforms, and on the internet.
Only photos and videos showing the front of President Biden from a distance as well as select side and back views of President Biden would be utilized by members of MOAN and MOIST. Handshakes would be shown with the other party's hand clasped over the hand of President Biden with only the wrist of the President exposed.
For the reelection campaign, the only photo used would be the one of then-U S Senator Biden and Jill Biden from the mid-1970s. Two members of MOIST, Nuacht Aoir has learned, have agreed to create multiple videos using this photo as a base image. In addition, Nuacht Aoir has seen a document from one member of MOAN that has agreed to color the photo in "…vibrant colors befitting our Dear Leader"
To be most effective, both MOAN and MOIST have asked for assistance from their dear friends in the People's Republic of China (PRC), Nuacht Aoir has learned. A document in the files of MOIST, with a copy to MOAN, indicated that an official with the PRC (identified only as "XJ") "…welcomed the continued cooperation of the members of MOIST and MOAN. We would be most delighted to extend our Great Firewall system to bring only the most transparent, truthful information to our dear friends in the United States"
One of the most important facets of the reelection campaign for President Biden and Vice President Harris, Nuacht Aoir has confirmed, is that "re-elect" and "reelection" will not be utilized. All references to the past three-plus years will be disguised.
Key to the campaign is its new slogan:
"Elect Joey and Kam -- Progressives for Progress."
"It's an upbeat message," said Fee Avery Logan, a leader within the reelection campaign team. "We want Americans to realize that Joey and Kam are the best people to move America forward. They are Progressives for Progress."
Note: "Fee Avery Logan" is the pseudonym for this unnamed leader within the reelection campaign who requested anonymity due to the fact that they (the preferred pronoun for Fee Avery Logan) do not have the authority to speak on behalf of the reelection campaign.
"Joey and Kam are both names that resonate well with the American people," stated Fee Avery Logan. "Especially among younger voters - Generation Z. Also, with the Millennials and Generation X."
"Joey is a very masculine name," they continued. "It's also a name for a baby kangaroo. In our tests with likely voters, 'Joey' tested much higher than 'Joe' or 'Joseph.' 'Joe' was presumed to be old, stupid, and clumsy. 'Joseph' was presumed to be old, stupid, clumsy, and elitist."
They added that "Kam tested well too. People said 'Kam' sounded like a 'fun person, full of life.' Several noted that 'Kam' was forward-looking; one person noted that the name sounded like a 'cam engine roaring to take off.'"
They confirmed that "Kam" was a nod to the support the Joey and Kam expect from the transgendered community.
When asked by Nuacht Aoir why the "reelection campaign" has been renamed as the "election campaign," Fee Avery Logan demurred (the preferred verb of Fee Avery Logan).
"There is no need to talk about the past three plus years," Fee Avery Logan stated. "Americans want to look forward – not backwards."
When asked directly about such topics as inflation, illegal immigration, and other issues, Fee Avery Logan became highly indignant (the preferred adjective of Nuacht Aoir when describing an individual who doesn't want to answer a direct question).
"How dare Nuacht Aoir question our Dear Leader," said Fee Avery Logan. "You provide news content to that ungrateful population in Southwest New Mexico. While the Dear Leader may have forgotten what The Grant County Beat stands for, we who surround Joey and Kam have not forgotten the views of you people."
"The opposition was appalling to our efforts to enhance and expand the U S Postal Service through the transport of children as well as our efforts to generate revenue for our fine Federal government through automated traffic tickets," they continued. "The recent opposition to the resettlement of members of the Zombie ethnic group to a section formally part of Grant County is just the latest example of the bigotry of the new Mexican people. The fact that you new Mexicans don't even want other newcomers to come to our country shows the depth of your ignorance."
When told by Nuacht Aoir that the lands within the borders of the current State of New Mexico have been part of the United States for more than 170 years and that New Mexico became a state more than 110 years ago, Fee Avery Logan grew even more indignant.
"I will personally alert Joey and Kam of your (referring to Nuacht Aoir) demeaning attitude towards our Dear Leader," Fee Avery Logan stated. "You have triggered them (referring to they Fee Avery Logan). How dare you refuse to support the election of Joey and Kam Progressives for Progress."
With that, Fee Avery Logan ended the interview. They opened a cold one, an almond milkshake with a touch of avocado and cinnamon plus a sprig of mint, and took out their smart phone to take a selfie with a stuffed Joey doll.
Nuacht Aoir, in our everlasting goal to encourage Americans to consider all sides of an issue, agreed to provide further details on the "Elect Joey and Kam -- Progressives for Progress" campaign. Please click herefor further information.
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